Which is why, when he recently complained about not having time to mow the lawn, I was like, "Ooh, pick me, pick me! Teach me to do it!" and he was like, "Okay."
And when the hour had come -- that is, when I had run out of excuses for actually putting my money where my mouth is -- I got all psyched up, swapped out my flip flops for Toms, and headed outside. I made Dallin stand out there with me and tell me what to do, because really, I had no idea. I think it's possible that I've mowed a lawn ONE other time in my life. And I might be making that up.
So, as you can imagine, the whole thing was pretty entertaining. But now that I'm an expert, I've compiled a list of tips for any of y'all that might want to take up lawn mowing in the future.
-Your husband will tell you to "pull really hard" after your first, failed attempt to get the motor running. Do not tell him that you were, in fact, already "pulling really hard." Lack of upper body strength must not be admitted when doing manly things.
-When you push the little handle thing, the mower will actually move! And it will actually cut grass! It's magical! But don't admit that you think it's magical. Manly things, remember.
-When you get to the end of your first row, stop to get advice on how to best turn the lawn mower at the end of the row...because, you know, it's a million pound piece of machinery with a swirling-at-a-million-miles-an-hour blade underneath it that will turn your feet into itty-bitty pieces of feet if you take a wrong step, so it obviously can't be as simple as just turning it.
-Actually, it is. It is that simple. Just turn it.
-When you feel the unmistakeable jab of ant fangs pushing their way through the flesh in your feet, drop everything to take a few swipes at the little devils. Try to make them lethal swipes, for reasons we'll discuss later.
-Put on your tough face and continue mowing, even though your foot is throbbing.
-Do not stop, not even for a few seconds. In fact, don't even walk slowly. This will give the non-lethally-swiped ants the perfect opportunity to rally the troops they've assembled and lead them in a charge up your feet.
-This time, when you feel the ant fangs, leave all your dignity there on the lawn and make a mad dash for the driveway, periodically hopping on one foot as you try to smash (we're done swiping) the black masses swarming your feet. That "black masses" stuff might be the PTSD talking.
-Go soak your feet in cold water while your husband finishes mowing the lawn.
Okay, okay. I should have worn full-on tennis shoes with real socks. That would have been smart. But goodness, how was I supposed to know that our lawn was basically one giant ant resort? I guess I'll keep that in mind for next time, which certainly won't happen until I stop feeling all these imaginary ant bites all over.
So I was mowed by ants last night, and this picture is from this morning, and my feet are still red and I still get the occasional itch. I put little black dots on the picture to show you where each bite is. Yes, there are that many.
Also, sorry about the gross picture of my feet.